Local Color: Phoenix Flames

A Practice For What?

Way back when I first started dating Helene she caught me in a big lie and almost dumped me. For her, lying is a deal breaker. The strange thing was I could see from her perspective that I was a liar but until she called me on it, I did not see that I was lying.

I promised her that from that moment on I would be as honest with me as I was with her. And I have spent almost a decade peeling back the layers of lies I tell myself everyday as a means of keeping that promise. Somewhere along the way she must have seen that I was sincere as she did finally marry me.

Through this experience I have a hard time looking at homophobic conservative preachers and politicians caught with their “fingers” up inside the “cookie jar” claiming, “It was all a miscommunication!” with anything other than compassion. On some level or another, we are all sneak eaters.

Still, as most of my friends will tell you, no matter how many layers of self-deceit I dig though, I will always be full of shit. That’s why I need BS detectors in my life, like Helene, to keep me honest.

Recently a friend of mine invited me to one of her upcoming gigs. I looked on my calendar and had to decline as I was going to be sitting that weekend at Zen Mountain Center in California. “Damn,” she said, “you’re always going off somewhere for Zen.”

“Yes,” I replied piously, “It’s part of my practice.”

“A practice for what? Avoiding your life?”

Her comment pissed me off and I should have looked at it right there. If she was wrong, I would have laughed as it was said playfully not maliciously. The fact that I was pissed and indignant should have told me that I was lying to myself about something.

Three weeks ago Dogo Sensei lent me the DVD How To Cook Your Life: with Zen Chef Edward Espe Brown. I loved the film so much that as soon as it ended I looked Brown up and saw that he was doing an all day workshop at Green Gulch Zen Center on April 18 and running the Sunday service April 19. In investigating it, further several other details made it so that could have flown there, stayed with family in the area, and done the whole event for less than $100.00. I felt like the timing of it all was a sign and that I was being called to go. (Called by who you might ask.)

Then I looked at my calendar. Damn! A Zazenkai on April 18 here with the Sitting Frog Zen Sangha. I picked up the phone. “Well,” I thought, “I’m just going to call Dogo Sensei and tell him he has to run this one on his own. After all, it’s not like I would be blowing the Sangha off for the Coachella Music Festival. Seeing Edward Espe Brown is Zen! I’d be blowing them off for my practice.”

Then my friend’s words pierced me, “A practice for what? Avoiding your life?”

I put down the phone and started my April Zazenkai To Do List.

photo by Vegar Svanemyr

Zen Geek, Music Freak

Zen Geek, Music Freak, I’ve been calling myself that for years now. At first I saw these two major passions of my life being at odds with each other. There are some great shows over the years that I have missed because of Buddhism retreats. When I first meet Genpo Roshi at Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe, New Mexico I asked to be his student. I had never asked that before of any spiritual teacher and was quite serious about my commitment. I asked him what I should do next. “Coming up to practice with us in Salt Lake City might be a good start,” he said. This was before we could download dharma talks from the digital zendo.

Later that night, I looked up their website on my laptop and saw that the October Bodhidharma Dharma Big Mind Zen Retreat fell perfectly into a week that I already had off from work. I had intended to go to the Hardly Strictly Blue Grass Festival in San Francisco for my vacation. I felt like the universe was asking me how serious I was about working with Genpo Roshi. My response was to skip the festival and sit in SLC.

This weekend is the Coachella Music Festival. For the last few years America has had two regular legendary music festivals, Bonnaroo and Coachella. The second one is a mere four hours from my house. Last weekend, I drove through Coachella, California to get to the Zen Mountain Center, which is five hours from my house. While I was sitting on the mountain last weekend Mirah and Vetiver played in Phoenix and I missed them. The week before Leonard Cohen played in Phoenix and Zen commitments kept me away from that show too.

So am I back over to the desert cities this weekend for music? No. I’ll be sitting for 12 hours on Saturday with my Phoenix Dharma family, the Sitting Frog Zen Sangha. The funny thing is I think I’m the one that picked this weekend for the April Zazenkai.


There was a time when I felt that these two major passions of my life were at odds. Today I don’t feel that way. Ultimately I can’t do everything so I choose to prioritize those activities that involve family.

Saturday I will sit with my Dharma brothers and sisters from 5:30am to 5:30pm. At 7:00pm I will check out the end of National Independent Record Store Day at Stinkweeds owned by my friend for almost 20 years, Kimber. (Who also owns the space where we sit on Sundays, Modified.) Then, around 9:30, I will go to fellow Zen student and friend, Lonna Kelly’s gig, Grand Ole Opry at the Ruby Room. She has asked that Dogo Sensei and I come in robes, cowboy hats and boots. Zen Geek, Music Freak! Odd? Maybe but not at odds.